1 My morning workouts have changed since the World Cup. Now I just sprint through people's yards screaming GOOOAAAL!
Woensdag 23 juni, 13:38 uur

2 I just ordered the Gilded Snapper. The waiter knows it's not on the menu, but he's too afraid to correct me. I'm staring at him right now.
Zaterdag 17 juli, 03:06 uur

3 Having lunch with Spielberg today. He doesn't know it though, so I'm hiding in his kitchen with a bag of sandwiches.
Maandag 12 juli, 13:49 uur

4 I saw this coming. Mel Gibson once refused to pet my chihuahua simply because he caught us stealing his piano. Racist.
Donderdag 1 juli, 23:24 uur

5 Of course my chihuahua and I wear matching bath robes. Don't be ridiculous.
Donderdag 13 mei, 14:15 uur

6 It wasn't until I saw the nunchucks draped over the rear view mirror that I realized I had stolen my own damn car.
Zaterdag 3 juli, 15:21 uur

7 Publicist just asked if the rumor that I hunt humans for sport is true or not. I answered his question by shooting him with a crossbow.
Woensdag 12 mei, 18:22 uur

8 Nailed that audition. I forgot my script though, so I just did pushups while the cockatoo counted. They stopped me at 74.
Woensdag 30 juni, 18:10 uur

9 After accusing my kid of eating all the Golden Grahams, I realized this isn't my kitchen. And that I don't have any kids.
Dinsdag 29 juni, 13:04 uur

10 I don't mean to brag, but I just stabbed a buffalo with a sword. Well, it might have been a woman in a fur coat. But still.
Zondag 18 juli, 04:53 uur

Vorige week: Nicolette van Dam.